Today marks my completion of 4 months in my job. I've just started my AU training yesterday. I'm not exactly sure if it can be considered training since I'll be at it solo the next time I'm doing AU. My head is swimming in the amount of information I received. I've not done AU in my previous employment as the AU nurses are all ENs. RNs are solely scrub nurses. It's a challenge I hope I can excel in. My upcoming CNM (my current 1 is retiring end of the month) informed the anaesthetist that I would be doing AU with her yesterday & he told her I'm good in everything I do so AU shouldn't be a problem for me. *stress*
Work aside, it's also 5.5 months since we arrived in Perth. I was catching up on Nix's blog & he mentioned something about which country is your home, in the form of when you return to Sg for a visit, do you say "It's good to be home." or "I'm going to Sg." I'm too green in Australia to comfortably say this is home. I don't feel I belong & I don't know if I ever will. Probably not. But I guess if I stay here long enough, even Sg will feel foreign to me 1 day.
I feel alone in Perth. My 2 poly friends whom I've kept in touch with are chatting about which handphone to upgrade to, which contestant they like best in 中国好声音 in our group chat but not responding to me when I "talked" to them. I wished 1 of them happy birthday in the group chat but didn't receive a response as well. Perhaps I should have done it in FB along with everyone & see if she'll reply as she did for everyone. I feel like such a failure. Do I really mean so little to people I consider friends? I know I'm an introvert & I can be socially awkward. But with them, we were past that.
Dolly told me not to think too much since I've tried my best & it's up to them if they want to put me in their heart. I know people come & people go in our lives. But when I let you in, I must consider you important. So it hurts. I do admire guys sometimes. They make friends who stay so even when they've not seen or talked to each other for ages. Yet when they meet, they carry on like no time has passed between them. When something comes up, they can be counted on to show support or help. I see this in hubs. I see this in Nix. I wish I can find true friends like that.
Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for my life. Just wish that I can be better.
It's been slightly past 3 months since I last arrived here in Melb to do my Masters. Can identify with you when you said that you don't quite feel that you belong. There will always be something "missing". Another way you can look at it is to just keep looking forward and don't look back.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I have slightly less than 9 months left. I'm still contemplating whether I should find a job here in Melb or to just return to Singapore. I guess I still have time to think about it.
Have faith in your friends. I feel that too, when my besties no longer talk to me. But if you have been friends for so long, have faith in the friendship.
Glad for you that you are doing fine in your work! Have faith in yourself! Cheers!
"I feel like such a failure. Do I really mean so little to people I consider friends?"
ReplyDeleteHey gal. I feel u. Just now, on the way 'home' in the taxi, my tears could not stop rolling down. Then I tried to distract myself by reading blogs and chanced upon this. As I read this post, I released my emotions again.
I felt very little not only to friends but also family. Thinking back, I still feel very sore over a friend who made a fuss of meeting me - asking me to go over to her place instead of meeting somewhere centralised because she needed to breast feed. Hey, before that, she already went back to her office to have lunch with colleagues. Obviously, colleagues more important because of network etc and to keep in touch and relevant. I dismissed that. Eventually we still have not met but I saw her fb tag - her high tea moment with another person someone with a position in the church. She felt guilty and tried to make amends by coming down to my place provided her hubby drove her down on a Sat. As if public transport will make her stink?
I feel tiny, worthless and awful. I know my worth is not dependent on her hence I called off this friendship or sisterhood. U know what, she still matters to me but I am not. Like what my colleague cited, "I have limited friends and my friends have unlimited friends." Bullshit to friendship, unless they stay by you. They are not even staying by me in times of my struggles, only out for lunch! I am of last priority.
I am failure too, family and so-called relatives. Pragmatism and no one bothers about me as I live further than them. Anyway, i am also living away from them and no incentive to meet me. No value and no value of catching up. Contact me only when they want an accommodation when they come! What the!!
Sad but glad I am away. What home!?!!!
Hey blessed SgAu!
DeleteGuess what? I also feel you! My bestie of 16 years was texting me and asking me if I am free in the first week of Dec. If I am, she will come down and visit me. I was so excited when I heard it. But guess what... then she said she's thinking of Chiang Rai and NZ... in the end, decided on NZ. I was like.... WTH. If you really are sincere to visit your bestie, make that decision and come and see me. You don't be so indecisive. I felt disappointed when I heard it. Is this really our friendship?
Let's continue to jia you. Some day we will find our footing. Friends or family in Sg don't know what exactly we're going through. It takes 1 migrant to really understand what the other is going through.
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