Having talked to a few friends, I'm feeling much better already. I know what's to come. I know hubs will not be amicable to me for a few days to come. But that's alright. I've painted a rosy picture of us but like every relationship, only the 2 involved will know exactly what's going on. What's liberating is that I know in my heart that I'm not with him becoz I NEED to but becoz I want to. Not that I'm looking to end the marriage but I know regardless what happens, I'll survive. I need to live up to my aspirations of being a rolly polly.
Ton woke me up early morning at 6 am, wanting to go pee. My eyes were still sore from all that crying last night. I still felt wronged. I found that I couldn't go back to sleep after letting Ton out. So I decided to go to Bunnings since they open at 7 am.
I was 1 of the 1st few customers. I was quick coz I already know what to get. The NPK granulated fertiliser recommended by the pest control guy & Urea recommended by D&J to green up the lawn. 1 of the sprinklers outside was broken & I managed to get the coupler required to fix it. Thank goodness I had the mind to bring the loose piece of sprinkler with me.
When I got home, I wore my sunscreen, bun up my hair & got to work. The granules have to be watered in well so I spent quite some time doing just that. While I was doing that, something happened. If there were doubts about having kids, my doubts were cleared. I will not have kids with hubs. I'm absolutely certain of it.
Ton being Ton, I think he scratched the bedroom door wanting to be let in. I had left him in the living room as he had a tendency to scratch his head, or cuddle up to you. Knowing hubs, in the mood he's in, Ton will really get it from him if he was woken up. Suddenly, the door flew opened & hubs started shouting at Ton. (I was outside sprinkling granules at this point.) So I know if we were to have kids, the kids will only suffer. Kids like dogs won't know how to see 脸色. They won't know they should avoid somebody when that person is in a bad mood. To get yelled at or punished for an innocent request for attention is not fair.
Up to that point, I was still feeling really down. I came into the house at 8.40 am & I felt in my heart the self-pitying starting to dissipate. My conscience is clear regardless of what my landlord accuses me of or whether they believe me or not. I really did everything I could but it was the work of nature that killed the lawn.
We're the master of our life. We're not animals surviving solely on instincts. I can choose to be free.
> Kids like dogs won't know how to see 脸色.
ReplyDeleteNot true. As a paeds nurse, I can assure you that some kids as young as age 2+ already know how to see 脸色 and adjust their behaviour according to the immediate state/mood of the caregiver. In addition, they are smart enough to figure out which adults they can twirl around their little fingers and which ones they have to shut-up-and-sit-down with.
> If there were doubts about having kids, my doubts were cleared. I will not have kids with hubs. I'm absolutely certain of it. ... To get yelled at or punished for an innocent request for attention is not fair.
The decision whether to have children or otherwise is a personal one. There will be kaypoh people who will pry and try to impose their own values on your life, just ignore them. It is your life and your choices, you don't have to justify it to anyone.
Having said that, I applaud your courage to choose the road less travelled -- speaking from my personal experience as an offspring who was picked on by her own mom to be her lifelong punching-bag 出气桶 from young (I escaped only after I emigrated).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Displacement_(psychology)#Aggression
I admire your choice in doing paeds. While I love O&G & even at soem stage considered doing midwifery, I know I don't have the patience to do paeds nursing. I think it takes a special character to do it.
DeleteI can't remember who said this, maybe Dalai Lama. 福不能享尽, 享尽了就没了。苦享尽了就剩下福。Hope that after your unhappy childhood, you'll enjoy the 幸福 you deserve. My mom was physically abused by her stepmom when she was young. Yet on her deathbed, her own daughter forsake her. It was my mom who cared for her till she passed away. So it is my wish that I can somehow give her a better life while I still have the chance. That's why I came here. So I won't be defeated so easily. 我们一起加油!
No point living in fear and anxiety. You came here to have a better life and you must do everything to protect your better life. Sometimes, short term pain may bring about longer term gain. Guard your (and your hubby's) happiness.
ReplyDeleteI actually learnt a lot about lawn care. From zero to some knowledge which may come into good use in the future. So I think I've already gained some. Just that sometimes I really feel I'll be happier by myself (with Ton Ton of course).
Delete> Just that sometimes I really feel I'll be happier by myself
DeleteIt is normal to have ups-and-downs in any relationship -- those who deny their downs are either glossing things over (for social politeness) or just bluffing themselves 自欺欺人。没有吃过苦，又怎么懂得珍惜乐呢？ [Without tasting bitterness, how to appreciate joy?]
我们一起加油吧!
Heh Heh... I'm single and I'm still waiting for the guy to appear. Treasure your hubby. It's so not easy leaving everything in Singapore and start afresh in a new land. The lawn is just a lawn. No point fighting over a piece of lawn.
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