Less Than Human

"Isolation is the cruelest of punishments, and it had never occurred to me that I was something less than human... Survival was my only hope, success my only revenge." - Patricia Cornwell in Postmortem.

When I read this sentence, the 1st memory that came to mind was that of my childhood. The only child, straight back home after school & forbidded to interact with anyone outside of school hours. It may or may not have shaped me into the social outcast I turned out to be. But I was definitely a shy & quiet child. As a result, I didn't have many friends in school. As I went into Upper Primary, I became the victim of relentless name calling & bullying becoz I am fat & quiet all the way through Secondary School.

I remember once we had to scale a high wall during PE & we had to help one another by grabbing their calves as they jumped up & give them the additional boost over the wall. When it was my turn, nobody came forward. Not a single 1. They allowed me to fall backwards. Unlike Scarpetta (the lead character in Postmortem), I wasn't thinking of survival or revenge. I only felt lousy. I knew I was unwanted. But surprisingly, I still turned up at school everyday. I hadn't learnt avoidance or escapance yet. What is self esteem? As far as I know, I didn't have 1. It really never ocurred to me that I was something less than human. My coping mechanism was to ignore which in retrospect probably was the best solution to it all. Despite not deriving the satisfaction of illiciting a reaction from me, they kept at it. It wasn't just the boys, it was the girls too.

I recently saw on FB, a picture of 1 of the guys who used to call me names. I can no longer remember what they called me but it was along the lines of fatso or fatty bonbon or something. He is probably twice as fat as I am now & I'm nowhere near slim. I don't feel like I've been avenged or anything like that. I just felt that it was reinforced to me that I should strive to always be kind becoz it was proven to me that what goes around does comes around.

Nevertheless, I did survive Secondary School. I'm still awkward socially, preferring to write than speak. But I say all sorts of nonsense to hubs & he thinks I'm hilarious. I can't baby talk to friends' kids but I do it all the time with Ah Ton. I'm glad that I've come a long way since then. I know my worth & nobody can tell me otherwise. I'm a survivor.

Picking Up Sewing

It used to be that women had to know this very handy skill. In this time & age, sewing is more like a lost art. Nobody from my era that I know of can sew. I'm not saying that all women should know how to cook & sew. If you hate it, there really isn't any point. I just feel it's a shame that very soon, nobody will know how to do it anymore. Just like the fact that our children probably won't be able to speak dialect. I just saw my colleague in Sg posted on FB that she feels that her life is work & nothing else. Dreams & passions crushed. I know how she feels coz I was once there. We all have to find our own paths, our own meaning in life. I hope she does & I really hope everyone does. 

I did sewing briefly in Sec 2 during Home Economics where I had to sew a pair of berms. Of course, it is very different having to do it on your own. Nobody's going to pre-cut your fabrics for you or show you which step to do 1st. You don't have to thread the machine or decide which stitch to use. 2 weeks ago, we were having lunch near the kaikan after the monthly commemorative meeting when I spotted the Spotlight across the road. I've been wanting to get a sewing machine for a long time but the price was never right. They were never on sale every time I step into Spotlight. I told hubs that I wanted to have a look with no expectation whatsoever. You know what's coming. There they were in a pile near the entrance. I knew I just had to get it.

I finally bought a foldable camping table (which I will use for camping as well), took the machine out the weekend past, read through the instruction manual & prep the machine step by step as listed. 1st, I had to thread the bobbin. Then, I had to thread the needle. The bobbin feeds the thread bottom up & the needle top to bottom. The machine was finally ready for use when I successfully drew up the thread from the bobbin. We are so lucky to be living in this time & age where everything is so convenient to use. My late grandmother had a single piece manual wooden Singer on a "table" & if you flip the machine over, it becomes a flat work surface. Even with the LED light, it took several passes before I managed to pass the flimsy thread through the eye of the needle. 

I found this material that depicts the 4 seasons at the Textile Traders. I've mentioned several times in this blog how the 4 seasons relate to our lives. It's not just birth, adulthood, old age & death. But also the Gosho passage that we are familiar with - Winter always turn to Spring (meaning your problems will always come to an end). At the same time, it also means life never really ends. From death, springs life again. I know exactly what I want to use this material for so I set out to do it. 

I sewed & I unpicked & I rethought & I sewed again. Not the perfect finished product but it actually looked better than I thought it would be. I'm going to keep this for myself. When I finally perfect it, it will become a meaningful gift for others. It used to be that nothing excites me anymore. But these days, I have all these ideas in my head, waiting to be executed. It is the thrill of the challenge, followed by the triumph of surmounting it. I have never felt more alive. 

Monday Roast

I finished work early yesterday. Early enough to think about making dinner as well as prepare some food for today's lunch. Everybody knows maple syrup & pecan nuts go well together. I had this crazy idea of combining these 2 ingredients with pork. My plan was to marinate the meat in maple syrup & make pecan crusted pork chop. A while back, the contestants on Masterchef had to recreate the Sunday roast. They had to choose between beef, chicken or pork. On the drive back, I thought, "I should recreate a roast instead." That was how my dish became a reality. I knew I wanted to coat the pork in maple syrup, spread pecan nuts on it & roll it into a roulade. But I definitely needed something else on the plate than just slabs of pork. It came to me to make pickled beetroot & a feta mousse to tie the dish together. 

The roulade was pan seared then finished off cooking in the oven for 1.5 hours. My thermometer recommends an internal temperature of 71°c for medium & 77°c for a well done pork. It was then rested before being cut up. While waiting for the roulade to cook, I pickled diced beetroot in equal parts sugar & vinegar. The feta was melted in cream, gelatine added & passed through a sieve before being refrigerated to set. Just before serving, I whisked the feta mousse & piped it onto the plate. 

This is the creation that I'm most satisfied with so far. It had a balance of flavours; subtle sweetness from the maple syrup, very slight bitterness from the pecans, acidity from the pickled beetroot & saltiness from the feta mousse. It also featured different textures, from the crunch of the pecans & beetroot to the creaminess of the feta mousse. 

My plating still needs a lot of work. 

Winter Jog

I put on some weight from all that cooking & eating. So despite it being winter, I decided to exercise a little bit. Just a little. Lol. I hate jogging. Never learnt to enjoy it. So I've picked it up countless times & dropped it countless times. I don't know if it's becoz I expect too much or I push too much. I get frustrated when I can't improve my timing or distance despite jogging regularly for 2 months. Probably too short a time to see any real improvements. Then I get lazy & stopped altogether. Knowing my tendency to quit, I just bought the cheapest pants & t-shirt for this latest stint. I love the t-shirt coz it says "Just keep breathing". Actually, winter is the best time to jog for me. In summer, it's way too hot (for me) to jog until the sun is set & you're looking at 7.30 pm or so. Hubs likes to call me a vampire. I don't want any part of my skin exposed to the sun (probably vitamin D deficient). Sun rises at 5 am in summer. No way I'll wake up at 4 am to do it. That's all I wear; a thin t-shirt & a thin pair of cotton pants & my sports undies of course. But once you get going, your body warms up & you don't feel the cold anymore. Besides, there're more things distracting you. Like the desire to stop. Like the chilly wind making your eyes tear.

Before I head out the door, I did some planking & burpees to warm up. I was sitting on my yoga mat today, doing the sit & reach stretch when Mr Think-He's-Very-Funny Ton poked his head under my armpit from behind, climbed over my thigh & sat in front of me, trying to kiss me as I pushed forward. Or I'm sitting cross legged on the floor doing my morning gongyo & he'll plant his ass right on my lap & rests his head in the crook of my arm every single morning without fail. He's so like me in character it's uncanny.

Anyway, I took him along for the jog. The pants are so cheap it doesn't have pockets. I had to stuff my house keys in my running shoes, Ton Ton's poop bag on my waistband, carry my phone in my left hand & leash on my right. I know there're pouch bags you can buy specifically for jogging but like I said, I probably will give it up before long so I don't want to spend more than I can. 1.5 km in 15 mins is very poor timing even if I take into consideration having to stop to pick up poop & pauses becoz Ton Ton refuses to move. But I guess 1.5 km is a good place to start. This is the 2nd jog this week. Hopefully I won't give it up before we hit 5 km.

Caravan-ing At 85

I was chatting with an elderly couple in their mid 80s yesterday at work. The wife was in for surgery & they're setting off on a 2 months tour in their caravan today. I didn't ask where they're headed but I did ask them about their life living in the countryside. They live in this place called Bruce Rock 250 km east of Perth. They told me that 1 of their daughters lives with them & she'll be taking care of the animals & the house while they're away. I caught the plural form & said, "Animals?" Turns out they have a couple of chooks, a few lambs, some geese & I can't remember them all already.

It must be very nice to live so far away from the city. But as long as I have to work, I can't move away. By the time I can retire, I don't know if I want to be so far away from specialised medical care. I wonder if I'll be able to do like they do when I'm retired. But then, whether I'll live to my 80s is still a 未知数。Seeing them so loving still brought a smile to my face. Good luck & have fun!

Doing What I Love

The entire week has been just crazy. Hub's car broke down last Friday morning. I received a "Help! My car broke down!" call from him not 10 mins after he left the house. It was 5.10 am. I made a snap decision to just get ready for work so instead of ferrying him back home, I would send him to work before going to work myself. By 5.15 am, I was out of the house, having brushed my teeth & changed my clothes. He had managed to reverse his car into a parking lot outside someone else's house by putting the car on neutral with the handbrakes off. Off we went. We just passed the town centre when I asked him if he brought his work shoes. Alamak! I had to turn back the 4 km we came. By the time I got to his work place, he was already half an hour late. Even I myself took 50 mins to get to my work place. I chose to go by Frementle over Kwinana becoz of its notorious bad traffic. It was beautiful. I had views of the Swan River & the Indian Ocean. That was the start of a week long of waking up an hour earlier & driving to work from Bibra Lake, then from my work place to pick him up before heading home. For me, it's 2 extra journey but for hubs, it's a 4 hour wait from the time he knocks off to the time I do.

I'm just gonna cram several weeks of cooks into 1 post. Surely by now you can tell I'm really very lazy. Lol. 20th June was 端午节 but I didn't make the "zhangs" until the 21st. Anything that's labour intensive is only worthwhile if you make them in huge amounts. Besides, they require 3 hours boiling time. 10 dumplings is 3 hours. 40 dumplings is also 3 hours. Let's not waste gas. I've made rice dumplings for 3 years consecutively only missing last year's. I've only made bazhang once in the 1st year as I prefer nyonya zhang & they're easier to make. This is the 4th time I'm making them & I'm doing it without my recipe coz my notebook is still in Sg. My 1st batch of nyonya zhang was not sweet enough but as I had a lot of filling left, I topped up the candied melon & made another batch.

The other thing that was labour intensive was the png kueh. I casually mentioned to hubs that I'll make it 1 day & the next thing I know, he had gone out to buy 甜酱 to go with it. See lah! No choice but to make it. We got the mould for it that very week & I made it just this Monday when I didn't have to work. I only have the ang moh steamer that could steam only 6 at 1 go. So it took a few batches before I was finally done. I also had to add 5 mins of steam time as the steam wasn't powerful enough to cook the skin. I followed the recipe but the skin was not ideal as it hardened tremendously once it cooled down. The only remedy was to pan fry it so the skin becomes crispy. Still, the recipe for the rice mixture is good enough on its own as lor mai fan if you don't want the added task of wrapping it up with the skin.

21st June 2015: Ingredients for bazhang. (Not in photo, nyonya zhang.)

27th June 2015: Profiteroles. Choux pastry is actually not difficult to make. But you have no control over how it'll puff up & most of the time you'll end up with only half that looks good. The other half just looks like pacman. 

28th June 2015: I saw it once at my local seafood shop but I didn't buy. I never saw it again. While touring a few cash & carrys along Bannister Road, I finally laid eyes on Monkfish once again. Needless to say, I bought it.

28th June 2015: Spiced monkfish with chives & hot smoked salmon mashed potato. The recipe for the monkfish is from Gordon Ramsay's cookbook. The side was a Mediterranean style potatoes. But my chives were growing so wildly that I decided to harvest it & made a mashed potato which I had craving for instead.

28th June 2015: Kahlua chocolate berry tart. I hate making pie or tart pastry but I know I must master something so basic somehow if I want to be a good cook. I feel that a good home cook must be able to utilise what you have available on hand. When I 1st started cooking/baking when I was 19 (Gosh, now I feel so old.), I used to follow recipes & buy so many ingredients that are used just once & subsequently kept till they expire. I had frozen mixed berries, I had kahlua from a previous tiramisu attempt & I had cocoa powder. So this is the tart I came up with to "clear some stock".

6th July 2015: Png kueh. Looks good but looks can be deceiving.

Secrets Of The Scout

Scrub & scout goes hand in hand. We're partners in crime. In Sg hospitals where I've worked, 1 must be able to fulfill both roles since we alternate scrub. Meaning, I scrub cases 1, 3, 5, 7 & you scrub 2, 4, 6, 8. When you're scrubbing, I'm the scout & vice versa. We use the term circulating rather than scout in Sg but they mean the same thing. It's a little different here in my current job. There're some staff who doesn't scrub & if assigned as my partner, they'll only scout. Scrub nurse scrubs the entire list in my current job. Scrubbing isn't difficult. But it does get exhausting when you're facing 18 cases with a fast surgeon. The scout is very important. She (I use she becoz I can count on 1 hand how many male scrub nurses I've met) must know where the instruments are kept & she must know the surgery well. In the event of a complication, she needs to run to get stuff, fast. She also needs to know the surgery becoz when she's partnered with a junior, she may need to prompt the junior what step or instrument is next. Here are the confessions & tricks of a scout.

1. Never leave your pen on the table.
The scout needs to fill up paper work for the surgery & the surgery record book. Sometimes, we just leave the pen on the table when suddenly called to do something else. At the end of the surgery, while you're busy applying dressing with the scrub, the surgeon takes your pen to write post op notes & pockets it. Once, I came back to find the surgeon looking at the surgery list while chewing on my pen. Needless to say, I didn't even ask him to return it. So I always keep a pack of cheap ballpoint pens that comes in 10 in my locker.

2. With regards to point number 1.
Some surgeons come with their own supply of pens. Some more fanciful than the others. I've seen beautiful fountain pens though they're not the best thing to write with. We're not supposed to use water based ink becoz they smudge when in contact with moisture. But no, we can't tell them that. Not in Sg. Some surgeons are notorious. They'll keep borrowing your pen & failing to return it. You'll think that they can afford pens when they earn so much. If I tell you how much they earn, you'll be depressed.

3. We do a naughty thing to the patients when they're under GA.
I'm sorry. But we just can't stand the humongous blackheads that looks like they've been there all your life. At the end of the surgery while waiting for you to wake up, we'll all take turns to squeeze the blackheads out for you.

I've been storing this entry since 4th July, hoping I'll come up with more than 3 points. Oh well, I'll add to the list if I do think of anymore.

Little Known Facts About Scrub Nurses

How many nurses do you know who are scrub nurses? I decided early on that I either become a scrub nurse or a midwife. Back in those days, theatre is easier to get into. Nobody ever resigns from labour ward & hence they never needed more staff. That was how I 1st became a scrub nurse. I left, went & did home nursing, clinic nursing, school nursing but in the end, I still came back to theatre. I hated working in the ward becoz I'm not a sociable person. The minimal contact with patient & relatives suits me just fine. Of course, the trade off means maximum contact with surgeons. The surgeon-nurse relationship is definitely more enjoyable here than in Sg. I can go on & on about the behaviours of Sg surgeons but I shall not deviate from the topic anymore.

1. We are somewhat, to varying degrees, obsessive compulsive about our trolley.
I like this instrument to be here & that instrument to be there. They're always in the same spot regardless how many times I have to prep my trolley. This is important becoz I know exactly where which instrument is & when you only have a split second to spare, you don't want to be scouring up & down the entire length of the trolley trying to find what the surgeon needs.

2. A common pet peeve among scrub nurses is when surgeons help themselves to the instruments/items when we're not available to pass it to them for whatever reason.
It could be becoz I turned my back to get something the scout nurse is passing me. I don't like it becoz you'll put it somewhere else & when you need it again, I can't find it. Or it could be becoz I just finished prepping the skin & I needed to set the cleansing set down. Don't help yourself to the drapes coz you'll open it up the wrong way anyway & we have to open a new 1 coz you've contaminated it. Just wait a few seconds. What you mess up will waste you more than that few seconds.

3. We have 1 secret pride.
Nothing gives me more pleasure than mastering the surgery. You may do something out of the ordinary & sway from your routine. But 1 look at what you're doing, I know exactly what instrument to pass you before you even say it. When there's a complication, I rattle off a list of instruments or consumables for the scout to open & they are exactly what you need sometime in the near future.

4. There will always be 1 surgery that we can't tolerate.
For some, maybe it's termination of pregnancy (we don't call it abortion) & subsequently naming the fetus, POC (product of conception) to send for histology. For some, maybe it's the laprotomy with half the guts being taken out & placed on top of the abdominal cavity or it is the smell when the surgeon finally finds the obstruction & proceeds to clear the bowels of its contents. (I was scouting once & the scrub nurse ran out halfway to throw up from the smell.) For me, it is when the hand surgeon yanks the nail off the nail bed in a crush injury, very common among construction workers. The patient is anesthetized & can't feel anything. I know that. But I would turn away every single time. It's like nails across a chalkboard for me. Gives me goosebumps & makes my hair stand.

5. There will always be 1 surgery that left a lasting impression.
I was on call. It was in the middle of the night. A patient was brought in from the ICU to have her organs harvested. She was what we call brain dead. Kept alive by mechanical ventilation. She was put under GA even though she was unconscious. The moment the liver & kidneys were taken out, the consultant just unscrubbed & left. The anaesthetist just turned off the machine & left. The MO was left behind to close up the now deceased patient. Finally, it was only me left. It was like she didn't matter. They just wanted to keep her heart beating so the organs continue to receive blood supply. The moment the organs were out, it was job done for them. I felt so sad. I cleaned her up as well as I could & said a prayer for her soul. Then I pushed her out, back to the ICU where her grieving relatives awaited to see her 1 last time. This was 11 years ago.

We're so removed from the rest of the hospital. We hardly ever step outside of the department & probably don't know our way around the hospital. I know for a fact I'm the worst person to ask for directions. When we get to the OT, we change into our scrubs & clogs. They don't ever leave the department. This is to ensure that we don't bring outside filth into the OT. Like everybody else, we have good days & we have bad days. Some days, nothing seem to go right. Other days, we sail right through on high. But I love the work I do. I know there's nothing else I want to do.