The Dream World

They say dreams are a product of your brain processing your subconsciousness while you're asleep. Sometimes, they bring to mind someone whom you haven't thought of in years. I can't remember a dream that is a replay of reality life. They've always been works of fiction. Several weeks ago, I had a night plagued with dreams. Out of the many, I only remembered 2. 

I was reversing my car into a parking lot when I reversed it into a SUV in the next lot. I got out of the car immediately to inspect the damage to the SUV. Instead of speaking to me, the mother sent her 13 year old daughter to discuss the proceedings. I've not seen them in many years. In 2004, I took care of this girl in the ward. She was an anorexic at that time. She didn't look 13. Due to the malnutrition, she obviously missed all the growth milestone & probably looked like what an 8 year old would look like. What the psychiatrist thought was that the dad had the typical Chinese mentality, loved only the son, paid attention only to the son & that it was her way of seeking attention & love. I had a feeling that was why she stopped eating. She was at the puberty age. Anorexia will stop puberty on its track. She only wore pants, hated skirts or dresses. She refused to grow her hair long like what most girls desire. Instead, she would always get a boy's cut. She would put on weight in the hospital, only to lose it all & had to be readmitted shortly after she was discharged. The mother couldn't force her to eat back home. I don't know what happened subsequently as I was transferred to the Operating Theatre at my request. It's been 12 years. In my dream, she was still in her 13 year old body becoz that was how I remember her to be. Why did my brain drag out someone I've not even thought of in 12 years? Funny how the brain works. I wonder if she's well.

That same night, I had a totally different dream. I was going to meet friends for a meal in a restaurant. For some reason, I decided to go wrapped in a towel. Like just out of the shower wrapped in towel naked. Everyone else were dressed, except for me. I was feeling quite comfortable about it actually. It was only until I saw an ex-boyfriend in the same restaurant that I started to feel really self conscious about being almost naked. This dream I understood. I was comfortable about being barely dressed with my friends but I'm afraid to be "naked" around this ex-boyfriend. I care about what he thinks & I can't open up to him. This was the only boyfriend I had that we parted still in love with each other. I guess a part of me will always wonder how we would have turned out. 

Yesterday early morning, 2.43 am. I had a blueberry muffin with me. I entered this "cafe" which looked exactly like the instrument processing room in my previous work place (we call it Theatre Sterile Supply Unit or TSSU). In the front of the room, an ex-colleague, a healthcare assistant working in the department was mopping the floor. When I passed through the doorway to the back of the room, it looked nothing like the real TSSU. Instead, the back room was a patisserie, selling different kinds of pastries. Another ex-colleague who is an EN had just knocked off having worked there as a server. I asked for Dolly & she helped me get Dolly from behind the counter. I handed Dolly the blueberry muffin, wished her happy birthday & gave her a hug. She was very happy. Upon seeing that, my ex-collegue, the EN, took a chocolate croissant from the counter, gave it to Dolly & wished her happy birthday as well. 

It was her birthday yesterday. So this was also a dream I understood. I woke up from the dream at 2.43 am from feeling too hot & sweating. I whatsapp her immediately, told her my dream & wished her happy birthday. I don't usually text people in the middle of the night but I know her well enough that I wouldn't wake her. Lol. 

Honesty & Integrity

Being right is so subjective. In your mind, you're right. In my mind, I'm right. So who is truly right then?

You treat people with honesty & sincerity only to be taken for a fool. You know such people are aplenty. You know you shouldn't let it affect you.

At the same time, you know it is exactly becoz the world is full of cynics that it is all the more important that you remain true. For you can never change someone else, only yourself & the way you view the world. Becoz you know for a fact that it only takes 1 person to effect a change & that person has to be you.

这世界会如此就是因为太多人怕吃亏。施比受有福。是个傻瓜也要做个好的傻瓜。

If Only I Knew...

I don't know what triggered my childhood memories while at work today. Perhaps it was the not so fast surgeon, allowing me plenty of time to stare into space while scouting. I was bullied from Primary through to Secondary school. In Primary School, the girls were the vicious ones with their name callings & disparaging remarks. In Secondary School, the boys took it even further. They made retching noises when I walked past. I was allocated a seat in the back of the class by the teacher. Once, when the teacher returned our exercise books (to be passed down from the front), each boy took turns spitting inside my exercise book. The awful name callings. The "cool" girls just laughed at my misfortune.

But I was a quiet, awkward teenager. All I wanted was to be included. To be liked. To have friends. Even if they're not sincere.

If only I knew, that in this world, consumed by greed & violence, being popular is the least important thing of all.

If only I knew, that in the end, the only thing that really matters is kindness.

If only I knew, that even if it's not a big deal for you, it could mean the world to the person receiving your words or acts of kindness.

If only I knew. I would have started younger, creating a life of true value. If only I knew.