Extracted from my FB note, written on 9th July 2012.
Not many people know my story. It's not that I'm hiding it on purpose but you don't really talk about such things as an adult. For a long time, I was ashamed. To be me. It wasn't until recently that I came to appreciate myself for who I am. It took me 29 years. But better late than never right?
I spent practically the entire 6 years in primary school alone. I had no friends. Nobody to talk to except a girl who lived just 3 floors below me. I can still remember her name. Sheena Fong. She's a year younger, hence, the only chance we get to meet or talk was during recess or on the school bus. Any attempts to play with her at her house after school resulted in caning from my father. It wasn't that I had homework to do. I just wasn't allowed anywhere without my parents. Asking for permission always ended up in a 'no'. Still, I tried my luck time & again without their consent. My mom was more lax. If I wasn't home after school, she knew exactly where I was & would get me before my father got home. I mean, what do you want me to do? I was young, no form of entertainment at home, no siblings to play or fight with.
Sheena ran with a different crowd as we entered (different) secondary school. She's the pretty, slim & popular girl. There I was, the fat, ugly duckling who endured teasing, tauntings & bullying throughout that 4 years. I had close friends. 2 girls & 2 guys to be exact. Of whom, I'm still in contact with the 2 guys. But we were in different classes. Nobody could save me from the worst sort of words they bestowed on me.
Things got better in polytechnic. Everybody's older & girls were generally not as cruel. (I used were because I think the girls in this current time are just as bad.) My 10 year ordeal was finally over. I enjoyed my 3 years in NYP. I was just an above average student. I guess if I wanted to, I could have scored better. But at that time, I wasn't too bothered as long as I passed.
I wonder if my awkwardness when I'm among people can be attributed to my up bringing & experiences in my younger days. There was definitely improvement over the years. I was absolutely silent unless spoke to in primary school. I had friends in secondary school. For once, I fitted in with my NYP friends. Till the me today, who talked way too much at times. But compare me with anybody else, you'll notice the difference.
My 1st sense of achievement ever in my life is my good grades in my Bachelor's degree. If you think I'm competitive, it's only with myself. Even till now, I still think that my good grades were due to pure luck. That somehow, I made the right guesses, wrote the right words etc.
I've always wanted to blend into the crowd, not wanting to draw attention to myself. Then someone came along & told me that I have what it takes to be different, to excel. Dream big & start small, she told me. Coincidentally, Jon, Sam & I were watching this Bollywood movie titled 3 Idiots on Saturday. Something to this effect was repeated in the movie several times: "The car is at the gate. Only you can choose whether to board." I guess it's time to let go of all the insecurities, all the fears & give myself a chance. To identify one's weaknesses & seek to overcome them. That's human revolution - the one thing I must seek to achieve in this life time for it will never come again.
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