Effects of Working Out

I was at my heaviest in Poly, weighing 74 kg on a 1.55m height. My BMI was 30.8, though we now know BMI may not be the best measure of obesity since it doesn't take into account the higher density of muscle tissues compared to adipose tissues. My ex had a friend who, according to BMI is overweight even though he's obviously lean. As student nurses, we sometimes use the monitoring machines on ourselves while on attachment. My pulse was in the 90s though I can't call it resting heart rate due to the fact that I was walking around on the job. It wasn't super strenuous so a pulse in the 90s showed how unfit I was. My resting heart rate back then was in the mid 70s, considered to be normal. My BP was in the normal to very slightly elevated range which probably wasn't a good thing for someone under 20. It was usually 120/80 with the occasional diastolic mid 80s.

This was taken last Friday morning while I was at work as demonstrated by the date & time stamp on the monitor. My pulse was 63, a significant drop from the 90s when I was 18 while at work. I must say that this was an unusually low diastolic BP for me. A systolic of 97 borders on normal (anything below 100 is considered low). The diastolic of a 46 though, is quite low (anything below 60 is low). I'm asymptomatic though so I'm not too worried about the numbers. But it does speak volumes about the improvement in my cardiovascular health. Not too bad for 2.5 months of work.

Touchy Subject

I arrived home at 7.30 pm after yoga to a baked piece of basa fillet waiting for me. So I sat down for dinner while watching MKR. I left to shower & when I came back, hubs was watching a program on racism in Australia. They did a couple of experiments & the 1 that struck me the most was the Muslim lady in hijab attending an anti-Islamic rally.

The speaker was going on about how the Quran is not compatible with Australian beliefs & way of life. The lady was standing there listening, not doing anything really. She was then approached by a couple of Caucasians & it quickly turned not so pretty. Apparently, someone called the police & they gave her a written order for inciting fear of violence, grabbed her arm & forced her to leave the venue. Living in Singapore, I've grown up with so many Malays (Muslims) so I don't have that kind of animosity towards them. In fact, we never really had a problem until terrorist groups claiming to do the work of Allah surfaced.

I'm surprised that at this age, people still fail to see that it isn't the religion. It is man. It is us. I'm not a Christian & I can't say I know Christianity very well. But I have this question. What would Jesus have done in that situation above? Would he hurl racist remarks & demand that the Muslim lady leave? Or would he have protected her & instead administered with love & compassion?

I'm not saying that you can reason with terrorists & convert them with love & compassion. I'm just saying that regular people like you & me deserves the kind of respect that we think we deserve. What makes me better or superior than the other person? Nothing really. We all have to be born, grow old, die & meet our maker someday. Wouldn't it be better then, to promote a world of peace & acceptance?

Brain Numbing, Back Breaking Work

It's a woman's job. I'm sure some men do it. But it seems that among everybody that I know, it is always the job of the wife or girlfriend to plan the itinerary. This post happened becoz I'm taking a well deserved break from working on our itinerary for Japan for over 3 hours, since 6 am. My back between the shoulder blades are aching terribly & my brain all fogged up from going through so many places of interest.

It usually takes me many hours over several days to properly plan the itinerary for a 3 days camping trip. I can't imagine how long it'll take me to plan a 12 days (excluding the 2 days of flying), 3 cities (potentially more, depending on my findings) trip in Japan. To make the most of your time (& money of course), you need to execute a thoroughly planned itinerary. Hub's friend & his family visited Perth 2 years ago with, in my opinion, a terrible itinerary. 1 day they were in Pinnacles. The next day, they drove down to Margaret River. The 3rd day, they drove back up north for something else before going back down south on the 4th day. Too much time & fuel wasted travelling up & down for no reason at all. They should have asked us to have a look at their itinerary. But by the time they visited us, they were on their 2nd last day of the tour when most of the tour had already been completed.

The 1st step is always deciding where & when to go. After I've confirmed my leave, I will book the air tickets. That alone is quite a headache as there are so many airlines, so many different prices, so many different layover time. Once I've confirmed the date & time of arrival, it's time to start looking at the places of interest in that city. I will go through all of them, going into their individual websites & shortlisting the ones I'm interested in visiting. Useful information like opening hours, how to get there, whether they close on certain days go into my Word Document. These locations get cross referenced against Google Maps then gets plotted out so I travel in a circle rather than erratically. Places of interest that are near 1 another gets grouped together for the same day. Then, I will book my accommodation based on my itinerary. It sounds simple enough but it really is not. I know. I'm being overly thorough & perfectionistic.

Break over. Time to get back to my itinerary planning. Why I won't let hubs help? 1st, he won't have the patience like I do. 2nd, it won't get started till perhaps 2 days before the trip & it'll end up being a shoddy job. 3rd, major logistics will be missed. Perhaps most couples I know are like us. Perhaps that's why I only know of women who plan itineraries.

It's Pay Back Time!

We arrived back in Perth on Tuesday night. I spent Wed morning for Konga at the gym, followed by stocking up the fridge, unpacking our luggage, portioning out the dogs' foods for freezing & watching Arrow on Netflix. Full on work on Thursday, didn't get home till 7.30 pm. Half day work on Friday, Body Combat in the evening.

It's such a small world. We have a new Combat instructor for Fridays now which I only found out when I attended it yesterday. Turned out that he's 1 of the youth leaders cum photographer for SGIA Perth. Being extremely bad with faces, I recognised him but couldn't figure out where I've seen him & I've been attending meetings for almost 3 years now. Major oops. Hubs was the 1 who made him out. With the lady instructor, we have time between tracks to get a drink of water. With him, he pushed on without breaks in between. I haven't been doing this for 2.5 weeks so I ached a bit after.

This morning, I pushed myself to do Body Combat followed by Body Pump. I've not done Pump before & the instructor advised me to use the lightest weights. My poor arms & quads... My legs quivered as I descended the stairs to exit the gym. Lifting my arms up requires much effort. My hair was totally drenched as if I had just came out from a shower. But, I've never felt better. Totally hooked.

I love my life here in Perth. I know hubs do too. He just finds it hard to let go. He said that he grew up in Sg. I told him that he's gonna grow old here now. Lol.

Sin-ing CNY

I'm not sure if we'll break the tradition next year but we kept to our tradition of going back to Sg for CNY this year. Every return visit leaves me in the red in the annual leave department, with me owing 30 hours of leave this time. It is especially hard when the 2 weeks Christmas break leave is compulsory & CNY is always just round the corner. We're approaching our 3 year mark in Perth. While I never fail to feel sad when the visit comes to an end, I feel glad to be back on Aussie soil. Perhaps I'm just identifying less & less about Sg being home.

Flying with Scoot, we always arrive in Sg just shy of 12 mn. Like previous times, we got home close to 2 am after spending time clearing the automated customs & waiting for our luggage on the carousel. (It seems that our luggage is always the last to be unloaded.) It took the taxi uncle only 35 mins to travel West from the East, mostly becoz he was driving at 130 km/hr on the 90km/hr expressway. Hubs held my hand the entire way. I'm not 1 who finds speed exhilarating. Lol.

The horror set in the next day. It never was this crowded (people) & this congested (vehicles). Even the feeder bus experienced a jam travelling to the town center. I could only looked on in dismay. This wasn't the Singapore I remembered & I haven't been away that long. Hubs must then go through his mandatory allergic reaction to whatever it is in Sg air which I remedied by getting Zyrtec from the pharmacy. He had to have 1 every single day to keep the hay fever at bay.

It poured for the 1st few days we were back, granting us temporary reprieve from the heat. I was really happy to see everybody again. It was the only thing I looked forward to. By the end of the 1st week, I was already feeling very "sian". I can't explain it nor can I describe it. For 2.5 weeks, we overate, overslept, over everything. Although hubs kept telling me that he doesn't know where home is, he appeared to breathe a sigh of relief upon reaching home here. The 1st thing he said was, "It's good to be home."

1st Day Back At Work

It was hard. Over 2 weeks, I've slept late, woke up late & napped plenty. I didn't sleep well as I felt really hot despite the temperature being in the 20s. I was awakened at 1 am by the hot mattress on my back. I couldn't get comfortable no matter how I flipped. Work wasn't too hard, a nice way to ease back into work. I did some cleaning, traced the lenses for all the way up to Wed & ordered the ones we didn't have. Job done.

There's a 5.15 pm Body Combat that I wanted to get to. I went to take a nap (oops) without setting an alarm, thinking that I would wake up way before 5 pm. Obviously I was wrong & I missed the class. I must say that Body Combat is really powerful. I went for the Tuesday evening class & I ached the worst I've ever been in my life the day. Probably didn't help that I attended Konga on Wed morning either. I literally ached from my shoulders all the way down to my lower back & my arms as well. I had difficulty putting on & taking clothes off. Walking & changing positions hurt. By Thursday it had subsided plenty & there's just a tinge left in between my shoulder blades today. I was looking forward to another session of torture but silly me missed it. Work will be full on next week. I better enjoy the weekend while I can.

Goals To Work Towards In 2017

I dreamt again. Zombie apocalypse. I know, I watched too many such shows on Netflix. Although I was trying to escape in my dream, I was helping others do the same, trying to keep them safe. It is a far cry compared to my dreams from when I was younger. I was always afraid, always running. While there's still the element of fear in my dreams now, I'm either fighting to protect others or trying the best of my ability to help others. I'll like to think that it signifies a shift in my subconsciousness or perhaps a strengthening of my character. The dream ended with me successfully helping the group escape to the aid of an army group deployed to kill the zombies.

Hubs went back to work today. I don't start work till Friday which hardly counts as work. We're just supposed to do some cleaning & for my part, check & order lenses for the cases on Monday. It'll probably take about half a day. Home alone, I attended the 9.15 am session of Body Balance at the gym. We have to sign in & collect a tag for the respective class. This lady was trying to see the class roster underneath the sign in clipboard & she said, "Sorry, dog." I could have taken it as an insult but it would speak more of me if I chose to take offense. We always talk about kosen rufu in our Buddhist studies. Kosen rufu means world peace. For world peace to prevail, it has to start from me. I brushed it off as her strong character which was later very evident in the class. I do the same with my manager as well. Besides, dogs are very endearing. :)

I thought Body Balance would be easy for me since I've been doing yoga for over a year. Granted, we did stop yoga session for over a month now which we will pick up again this weekend. But I didn't expect it to be so hard. I had to stop & rest several times during the class. I kept up better with Konga which was much more fast paced. It did bring up my weak spots, namely, balancing (all the 1 legged poses) & quads strength (all the warriors & holding of lunges). At the end of the class, I verbalised that to the instructor & she told me to keep at it & I'll get better at it. Through conversation with her, I also found out that she teaches Body Combat as well, which is what I'm planning to get to this evening. Sometimes gym work (jogging on the treadmill & weights) can get repetitive. Going to such classes mixes things up & work on different sets of muscles. I truly find them very enjoyable even if I can't keep up.

Rather than resolutions which I consider "must get there no matter what", I'll go with goals to work towards. It's a bit more lenient & allows a bit more leeway should I fall short.

Physical Health/Fitness

1. I shall aim not to give up going to the gym that easily. It's ok not to see results. Just focus on how good I feel after each session. 
2. I will like to master at least 1 inversion by the end of the year, starting with head stand.
3. I shall eat well & stop deprivation diet becoz it just doesn't work.
4. Instead of a weight goal, I shall aim to build more muscles & lose more fats. 

Mental Health

1. I shall sing more to my dogs. Singing is 1 of my favourite past times. I sing during the journey to work & back home everday. Hopefully they'll enjoy it.
2. Cut the self doubt. Whether I can or not, as long as I've tried my best.
3. Cut the self degrading talk. I'm as good as the next person. 

Spiritual Health

1. Human revolution is a life long work in progress. I shall continue to polish myself so that I will shine even brighter.
2. I shall contribute a little bit more to kosen rufu than I did last year even if it's something very small.
3. I shall aim to further apply the Buddhist principles I've learnt in my life. 
4. Finally, never stop doing the 3 pillars of faith, practice & study.

1st Post of 2017

Is it a bad omen to be having a nightmare on New Year's Day? It's supposed to be a start to the new year with new determinations. But I woke up dreaming that Wang Wang has passed away after he "生了一场大病" & refused to eat. Naturally, I demanded to know from my dad if he brought Wang Wang to the vet since he didn't do so for Puggy. But before I got the answer, I woke up. Perhaps even my subconscious self is afraid of the answer. 

As per tradition, we went for the New Year meeting at the centre in Osborne Park. The encouragement given was that a new year is the time we make new resolutions & reaffirm our goals. Life will always be full of ups & downs. The Gosho says that nobody, not even sages or worthies can avoid problems. So let us all strengthen our efforts to overcome & transform the negativity in our life.

After the meeting, hubs drove us to Northbridge where we had dim sum at Dragon Palace. There's a lot of hype around this dim sum restaurant but we both felt that the food was average. I think our goal is to try all the restaurants offering dim sum to find the best of the best. Lol. Hubs felt Silver Seas in Morley (if you don't like queuing as Wang's is always super busy) is best while I felt Springs in Beechboro is best (but unfortunately they stopped selling dim sum a year ago when their dim sum chef went back to Malaysia). The times we ate dim sum here in Perth way way way exceeds the times we had dim sum in Sg.

Whenever I'm not working, I'll take an afternoon nap. Which means I've been napping for the past 1 week. 🙊🙊🙊 This time in my dream, I opened the sliding door at the back of the house. Instead of our tiny paved yard that leads to the garage, the back of the house was just a vast area of sand. Like unconstructed land. I turned back to hubs & said, "Hey, maybe we can expand the house outwards." Then I looked to the sky & there was a triple rainbow in the sky! It was an amazing sight.

In real life, I've ever only seen a double rainbow & it was here in Perth. A triple rainbow perhaps signify hope & the promise of better days. It's a good dream to end the 1st day of the new year with.

Final Post of 2016

It may be NYE, but like all previous years, we have no plans to celebrate it. We were initially invited over to W&Y's place for barbie but Y fell sick yesterday & hence had to cancel. 

1 week of my 2 weeks Christmas shut down gone. But we've kept ourselves busy. Hubs took 2 days leave on the 27th & 28th to spend time with me for my birthday which translated to 6 non working days for him. The thing with me is that if something costs a lot, I need to get it on impulse. If I allow myself to think it over, it never happens. So on impulse, I went to Power Fitness on the 23rd & grabbed 2 sign up forms. (I've long discontinued my work place gym & have extra flabs to show for it.) I thought I would have a hard time convincing hubs to sign up due to ongoing costs. But surprisingly, he didn't protest. Perhaps it was becoz I told him, "This is something I want you to do with me & you can't say no." We headed down the next day to submit our forms, have our photo taken, orientation done & access card given to us. I signed myself up for gym plus unlimited classes & hubs for gym only since I don't think he'll be interested in classes.

Christmas Eve. We went to the gym for the 1st time. When we got home at 7+ pm, I noticed something was wrong with Basil. He wasn't as energetic, he was shaking, he wasn't very interested in his food which never happens. I was concerned & in the end, I made the decision to bring him to a 24 hour vet which cost me $200+. His lower back was tender upon palpation & the vet thought he may have hurt his back. He was given a painkiller injection which made him very woozy. Half an hour later, she felt that he was still responding to palpation & wanted to do some scans & hospitalised him but I chose to bring him home. Otherwise it would have cost us more than $200. I made a good call though for he was back to his usual self the next morning. Sometimes we have to remember that they're a business & we as dog owners do know our dogs better.

We were in Yanchep for a Christmas BBQ lunch organised by my group leader. I learnt it the hard way not to buy Mascarpone on Christmas Eve. It was sold out everywhere. Apparently, tiramisu is a very popular dessert during Christmas time. I was forced to use cream cheese instead which was less than ideal as it taste completely different. I had 3 cocktails & 2 glasses of champagne over the lunch & possibly dinner party. When we finally left at 5+ pm, I've had some barbie items, a fair bit of the various salads & heaps of desserts. Not exactly the best way to start the gym journey. Lol. Well, to our credit, we got home, rested a bit & worked out at the gym. I thought we were very "on", gym-ing at 9 pm on Christmas Day & that the gym would be deserted as everybody's partying away. Hah! There were many others at the gym working out too!

26th. Hubs was asked by his colleague to help feed his fish while he's back in his hometown for 4 weeks. He asked hubs to feed the fish 1, 3 & 5. Hubs questioned the fish not being fed on Sat & Sun but he was told that it was alright. This was Monday on week 2. When we got there, 4 out of 5 fish were belly up. I know nothing about fish other than they're very fragile. Did they die becoz they weren't fed on Sat & Sun? Was it water ph or temperature or lack of oxygen? We didn't know what to do & hubs just scooped out the dead fish. Sorry, I think dogs will fare better with me than fish. Since we were already all the way down south, we went to Cockburn Gateway to buy me my birthday present. I wanted an IPL machine & I just told him to pay for it. When you've been together for so long, presents get increasingly hard to choose. I had $85 (was initially $120 but I spent some of it) birthday money from my colleagues & he just topped up the balance. 

I think it's very true that if you leave it to a man to plan something, it is always left for the last minute & in the end, you have to make do with what's available. I see it in other couples, even more so for hubs. He didn't make any reservations for dinner till 1 week before my birthday only to find that it's all booked out everywhere. (For his birthdays, all plans were already in place 2 months before the actual day.) In the end, Nobu was the only restaurant with availability on 27th at 8.45 pm. We were given a table overlooking the pool. You'd think that it being fine dining, the noise level would be low. We could hardly hear each other talk & despite the waitress attempting to speak really loudly, I still missed chunks of what she said. Dinner came up to almost $300 but it was so good I didn't mind the price. Not that I was paying anyway. Haha.

28th, my birthday. Started the morning with Konga at the gym. It was hard but I did manage to keep up majority of the time. Drove back home & found hubs just waking up. We had lunch at Bullcreek Hawker as recommended by 1 of my colleague. We loved their salt & pepper squid tentacles. It being Wed, we headed down to feed the remaining fish only to find that it had died. Hubs then said that he will return on Friday to drain the tank. It was gym in the evening & though I managed to finish my routine, I struggled badly most likely becoz of the exertion from Konga in the morning. I didn't feel older but I did feel that I really need to stick to a regular exercise regime. I'm not working at the moment which makes going to the gym easy. It is when I restart work that the challenge really begins.

So, we've come to the end of 2016. I've put in good effort at work, which, of course, I'll continue in 2017. I shall make a firmer resolve to take better care of my health & increase my fitness level. Health & peace to all. 

Struggling With Puggy's Loss

This week had been nothing but an uphill struggle. I received the news on Sunday evening. I hardly slept that night, resulting in my previous post at 4 am in the morning. At 5 am, I texted my colleague who lives halfway between me & our workplace, if it was possible that I carpool with her. It takes me an hour to drive to work & she's 30 mins from me. I thought I could hold it together but when we got to work & the usual "How's your weekend?" greetings came, I simply burst into tears. Between sobs, I recounted the story. Even the surgeon came to give me a hug. It was a long day, with us finishing at 6 pm. I didn't eat. I didn't feel like it at all. My eyes felt like sandpaper from all that crying. I finally got home at 7 pm that day.

I was exhausted, sleepy mostly. But despite being so tired, I found myself unable to sleep again. I repeated this routine, arriving home after 7 pm everyday. Hubs tried. He kept asking me how can he make me happy. He brought me out to dinner. He gave me massages every night coz my body was just aching terribly for no apparent reason. At work, I talked, I chatted, I laughed. I still feel the loss. I just didn't show it. I didn't want my colleagues to feel sorry for me.

It's a curse every pet owner must go through. The pain will dull with the passage of time. In the meantime, I just have to sit it through. Everyday, I pray for his soul. I wrote a eulogy for him 2 days ago when FB shared a picture of Puggy that I posted 6 years ago. I spoke from the depths of my soul & I hope wherever he is, he'll receive my message.

6 years ago today. 6 years later today you're gone. If you had only waited just a bit longer, you would be savouring the life we have in stored for you. You're so similar in character to Basil that I'm sure you guys would be the perfect partners in crime, stealing food you know you shouldn't have. I can just imagine you cuddling up with Basil on the doona on cold winter nights.

You were still young, we thought we had time. But you were so suddenly & so unexpectedly taken from us. I chanted for every dog that I know who passed. Everyone of them came to say goodbye. Even DX who detested me came to say goodbye. But I couldn't see you. I couldn't even feel you. Where have you gone? I don't want to hold you back from your next destination. I'm sure a beautiful life awaits you. I have to learn to let you go. You will always be my naughty 2nd son, the one who ate the dining chair. I love you, my boy. Till we meet again.

Puggy's Gone

I can't sleep. I'm consumed by sorrow, anger & most of all, guilt. 11th December. 1 year ago on this day, we brought Basil home to live with us. It started off with an intention to celebrate his 1 year anniversary with us. Nothing out of ordinary. Woke up, watched a movie on Netflix. Hubs had to help a friend collect the tool set he bought from gumtree. Went to Gallaria to buy Chris Cringle present for my work place. While we were there, I bought ingredients to make a meatloaf for Basil from Coles. Came home, watched another movie while fixing up the meatloaf.

Then, I received 2 consecutive missed calls from my dad. I don't answer when he calls becoz I will call back with the calling card which is obviously way cheaper. 2 consecutive calls meant that it was urgent. I quickly called back. He started off by telling me not to get too worked up, that Puggy has passed away. Then he went into cremation details, like how they will collect Puggy the next day, that it will cost this much if we want to leave the ashes at the columbarium & that it will cost this much subsequent months & that it will cost this much if we decide to keep the ashes.

Immediately, I stopped him & demanded to know what happened. At best, it was a story with no head or tail. At worst, it was a load of crap which I couldn't even understand. He said he was walking Puggy when he tried to bite someone. 1st, Puggy has never bitten anyone & being flat faced, I don't think he can actually open his mouth big enough to bite someone's leg. More likely, he wanted to charge at someone. So he yanked at the leash to hold him back. No details on what happened in between. Just that his tongue was hanging out of his mouth. Then, a young lad told him Puggy has no pulse anymore, his body was limp, he had already gone cold. How many hours have passed??? Who is this young lad??? Why didn't you bring him to the vet???

He said he doesn't know where the vets are. When I left for Perth, I gave my parents the names, addresses & phone numbers of 2 vet practice. 1 was for the nearest vet & the 2nd was for the 24 hr vet. This year's CNY when I went back, that paper is still stuck on the wall & I reminded them again about it. Now he's saying he doesn't know where the vets are??? Where did you bring him??? Then he went back to telling me the young lad told him no point in going to the vet coz it would just cost extra & there would have been nothing they could do since Puggy was already dead. He gave my dad the number for cremation services & he went on to repeat the cost of the cremation etc. I stopped him again. I said I wasn't interested in all these. I want to know exactly what happened. He went silent for a few seconds. Then he started to repeat the story of the cremation details again. I hang up on him.

From his half ass account, I think he either broke Puggy's neck or collapse his trachea pulling on the leash. But wouldn't that have taken excessive force? If it's only collapsed trachea, if you go to the vet they can perform emergency surgery. How many hours passed before he brought Puggy to this young lad that his body had already turned cold? Who is this young lad? Pet shop? I called the pet shop nearby but the guy on the phone said it wasn't his pet shop.

I feel so guilty becoz all of this wouldn't have happened if I brought him to Perth like I did with Ton Ton. My decision cost him his life. Why on earth did I think my parents would be capable of taking care of the dogs? They didn't want me to bring Ton Ton over, saying that they know how to take care of the dogs. Why must I bring him over? If I hadn't, Ton Ton could be dead too. I left Wang Wang becoz he's more of my dad's dog than my dog. I left Puggy behind becoz I thought it cruel to take 2 out of 3 dogs from my parents & also we didn't have enough money to send 2 dogs over. When we went back for CNY this year, I saw the less than best state they were in. Overweight, not much life in their eyes. I gave strict instructions on their diet once again. Why the hell didn't I decide to bring Puggy over then? Now nothing can bring him back.

Pug's life expectancy is about 16 years. He's not even 10 years old. I thought we had time. I tried saying goodbye with reiki. But I couldn't "see" his face in my mind, I couldn't even feel him. It's like he was just gone. All I saw were trees, in a forest or some sort. Then, a blob of light exploded into thousands of glittering lights that floated up into the sky. He really is gone. He isn't even on earth anymore. I caused his death.

7 Years Ago

7 years ago today, hubs & I started dating. It's an anniversary that I hold more dear than our wedding anniversary. It was a new beginning, my 1st relationship after my divorce. New relationships always start out with trepidation. You're learning about each other, wondering what the future holds.

I had an early finish today & we went out to swap our empty gas canister for a full 1. On the drive out, I teasingly asked, "Aren't you glad that you started a relationship with me 7 years ago?" There're no perfect marriages. We quarrel, sometimes really badly. We have good times too. We're such opposites. He doesn't think much of being politically correct. I prefer to be nice. But on the other hand, it'll only mean that he won't pretend to like you but secretly curse you in his heart. At the same time, we're so similar. Our love for food, our love for travels, our mentality towards marriage & finance.

I still send him off to work with a hug & kiss. He still greets me with the same when I get home from work. We irritated each other to no end. In fact, we all have nicknames. It started with Ton Ton. He has always been possessive & somewhat territorial. If he's in the bedroom, he doesn't allow Basil in. Similarly, if he's already on the sofa, he'll growl & bark at Basil if he attempts to jump up. But if it was the other way round, he'll just step all over Basil before planting his ass on Basil's head. So I called him the "big fat bully". Basil is no push over either. He'll push Ton Ton out of the way while Ton Ton is receiving scratchies from hubs so that he can take Ton Ton's place to be scratched. Hubs came up with this new nicknames for all of us. Ton Ton, the small (referring to size) bully. Basil, the big bully. He, the big fat bully & finally me, the house bully, becoz I bully all of them. That cracked me up good.

It scares me to think of the many couples who stay together without love between them & the possibility that we can be 1 of them. I'm thankful for the painful divorce I went through. Pain is a good teacher. Hopefully, I'm a good student.

Driving Incident

Oh dear. Nope, nobody crashed into my car. But people who've crashed into me were way nicer than this man who didn't. I really do wish public transport is an option for me. It is what it is & I'll try to keep as safe as I can.

I was driving to work yesterday morning & was approaching the city when it happened. There're 2 lanes in the direction I was travelling in & I was in the left like I always do as I believe in keeping left. This Hyundai on the right lane drifted past the lane divider without any signals on. I have no idea if he was trying to change lane without signalling or he wasn't paying attention & had just drifted out of his lane. Naturally, I slowed down becoz if I were to proceed & he really came into my lane, he would have crashed into me. It wasn't even a hard brake, nowhere near qualifying as e-brake. I think I lost about 10 km/hr in speed. This Hyundai probably realised that he was 1/3 into my lane & went back into his own lane.

Crisis adverted. Then I noticed this truck behind who continuously high beamed me non stop for perhaps 10 seconds. I check my mirrors rather frequently but the last time I checked, this truck wasn't behind me. I probably was also focused on slowing the car down enough to avoid the Hyundai coming from my right to be checking my rear mirror in the seconds prior to that. I ignored him. The left lane that I was on became the right lane somewhere further down. That was when I noticed the truck driver had cut into the left lane. He was held back by several slower moving cars & bus & we probably traveled another 2 km or so. About 100 m from the right turn into Vincent St on Fitzgerald, he finally caught up to me, flicked me the middle finger & drove off, cutting back into the right lane several cars down to make the right turn onto Vincent. That was a lot of trouble just so he could give me the finger considering that we were only 100 m from his turn.

I cannot say I know exactly what happened but he probably was following too closely behind me when I had to slow down for the drifting Hyundai. Maybe he thought I was braking on purpose to deter him from tailgating like some people do. I think this is probably the most possible scenario. I knew it wasn't my fault. I was just trying to avoid collision from the Hyundai. But the rest of my day, I felt absolutely shitty.

When I was safely parked at work, I texted hubs that someone gave me the finger on the way to work. He immediately texted back saying he knew it wasn't my fault becoz I always drive safe & I don't speed. That was even before I told him what had transpired. He's not siding me becoz I'm his wife. He's ever told me off very harshly when I was the 1 at fault. He told me that he meets these kind of drivers all the time on the road & not to be affected by them. But even till now, I still feel like shit. I'm not angry, just really upset & I don't even know why. Too sensitive for my own good.

What do people get out of being mean & nasty? Hubs showed me this quote he came across on FB. "There are many nice people. If you can't find one, be one." It's a great quote. It's something I'm striving towards too. Now I can only let time lift up my spirits & confidence again.

Midland Farmers' Market

In case you're wondering what am I doing on a Monday morning blogging away while I'm supposed to be working, I have the day off. (Surgeon is away, no list for the entire day.) I've just returned home from my car servicing which is 500 km overdue. It's actually quite hard to estimate when I'll hit the 20000 km mark with unscheduled pick ups & drop offs. Even harder when I can only book in on a day off. It always feels so amazing driving the car that had just been serviced. It handles better, the car is more responsive & as a bonus, it gets a complimentary wash & vacuum. If I'm excited about the wash & vacuum, it can only mean how severely the hygiene part of the car has been neglected. Lol. 

So. My colleague was telling me about her weekly trips to the farmers' market in Stirling, where she lives. It piqued my interest enough to try to find 1 near me which I did. Midland Farmers' Market opens every Sunday from 7 am to 2 pm. Ordinarily, I would have preferred to go early in the morning to avoid the crowd & to avoid the midday sun. But I had yoga & I didn't want to wait another week (coz next weekend's already packed to the brim again). By the time we got there at 11.50 am, most of the crowd if any, were gone. We were able to get a parking lot easily & we didn't have to elbow throngs of people out of the way (just kidding, I don't elbow people). 

1st, we walked through to the end of the market for a quick browse. I quickly identified the stall that received good reviews for its Dark Chocolate Salted Caramel Cake on FB. We got to chatting with the stall owner, Paul & he mentioned that it was hard to get right as the different ingredients cook at different times. So the honey would be burnt by the time the rest of the cake is ready. It took him a while to perfect the recipe & he now supplies various cafes & restaurants in Perth. I got 1 slice of the cake while hubs got a slice of banana bread for $9. Even hubs agreed that the cake's pretty decent. It was a little bit too sweet for me but probably will do very well with a nice cup of tea. Here's a picture of Paul with his award winning cake, photo courtesy of MFM's FB page. 

Next, we stopped at John's artisan bread stall. That late in the day, the popular choices, namely his White Sourdough & Pumpkin Loaf were all sold out. But we did get the Potato Loaf which according to my palate is just amazing. We haven't cut into the 2nd loaf which is the Olive Sourdough but I can just imagine it lightly toasted & well buttered. Yum. The breads were going for $6 a loaf but he sold the 2 loaves to us for $10 being that late into the day. 

There were many stalls selling fruits & vegetables. Some of the stalls are big, have huge varieties & have large trucks used to transport the produce parked right behind. But 1 make shift stall caught my eye. 2 elderly men were sitting on their empty crates watching everybody pass them by. They aren't the cheapest & they had about only 5 types of produce but we both felt we should buy from them. So we got a kilo of fresh broad beans, 3 onions & 3 garlic bulbs from them. The man who served us was a bit hunched over & he wasn't walking super well as he moved about weighing our selection. They were definitely more expensive but in life, there are more important things than money. I felt great buying from them & hats off to hardworking, independent seniors.

I turned 1 onion, 3 garlic cloves & the entire batch of broad beans into a beef curry, served with sliced potato bread for dinner. That was how we spent our Sunday. Hope you've all had an enjoyable weekend too! ;)

Our loot from the MFM. Total damage: $35 including the cake & banana bread.

De-podded fresh broad beans.

Beef curry with broad beans & potato bread.

Beautiful Positivity

There's too much negativity in this world to the point where positivity is quite a rare commodity. So I'm going to strive my best to post happy thoughts, more encouragement, less disheartening words. Ultimately, just remember that you alone hold the power of change, of courage & nobody can take that away from you. Allow yourself to dream. Allow yourself to hope. Set yourself on the path you want to be on & don't overthink it. This applies to everything in life. Above it all, always do good. Peace.

The Little Things

This post was in my draft box from the 24th Sept 2016. It was from the weekend that we went camping in Yallingup. 

There are many little things in my life that I don't really take much notice of. They're always there, sometimes little nuisances, sometimes little pleasures. Hubs parked the car as usual. I got out to open the door as usual. I was expecting excited faces, whining & scratching at the door, like they always do. Like they've not seen me in ages. Like they can't wait for me to get through the door. I was at the bottom of the stairs but there was nobody. In that split second, I remembered that we've just came home from dropping the dogs at the boarder's.

We had dinner while watching Supernatural as usual. Nobody to attempt sniffing at our food. Nobody fighting over who gets to lie on my lap. No Tonz who will not hesitate to step all over Basil & plant his ass in Basil's face. No whining as they wait for me to get their dinner ready.

Bed time. No Tonz who always beat me racing to the bed. Nobody to burrow into the little crook in the back of my slightly bent knees as I slept on my side. No Basil waking me at least twice in the night when he gets up to scratch himself or gets up to walk about before lying back down.

Too empty. Too quiet. Too unaccustomed not having the boys around. I missed them already & I haven't even left for our camping trip. We're such an integral part of each other's lives that being apart is hard. 

More Time Yet Less Time

I received an email notification last week that Teacher had left a comment on 1 of my previous post. It's only today when I've only got a morning list did I finally have time to log in. I worked super long hours in Sg. Yet somehow, I've always had time for FB. Yes, I commute to work by bus but I spent both trips per day snoozing on the bus becoz sleep was such a rare commodity back then. My work hours are much shorter here. On a busy fortnight, I'll clock an average of 85 hours which is about 10 hours of overtime (since I'm to work a minimum of 75 hours a fortnight). That is like normal hours in Sg, excluding overtime (42 hours week x 2).

These days, I hardly have time for FB. Sure, I'll open up the app on my phone, scroll through the 1st few posts then close it. During breaks in Sg, everybody's just looking at their phones. Nobody's looking at one another, nobody's chatting with one another. Here, we're all chatting among ourselves during break times. Some days are inevitably longer which meant reaching home past 7 pm. I'll take a shower while hubs prepare dinner. We'll sit down to watch Supernatural on Netflix while having dinner (Yeah, bad habit but that's us. We can even eat steamboat while watching Netflix. Lol.) Then it's bedtime.

I have yoga every weekend, usually on a Sat, either at 9 am or 5 pm, depending on my instructor's work shift. Then, we go for Buddhist study every alternate Sat starting at 4 pm. Once a month on Sun morning, we'll go to the SGI center in Osborne Park for a commemorative meeting. The weekend a fortnight ago, I signed myself up for a Tarot reading course which took up both Sat & Sun. The weekend that had just past saw us buying grocery late Sat morning, followed by our fortnightly Buddhist study. Our Buddhist study group got together on Sun at Neil Hawkins Park for a picnic. This particular day I woke up at 6 am (as usual), made bliss balls for the picnic, had yoga at 9 am, got home at 11 am & immediately left with hubs for the picnic. We didn't get home till 4.30 pm & by then I was completely knackered. I took a 2 hour nap, prepared for dinner, followed our evening routine of Supernatural & it was back in bed at 9.30 pm.

I work lesser hours but somehow have less time. Being here has taken my time away from social media & caused me to be more out here in the present. We're back to the way life was before mobile phones & tablets became all the rage. There's more face time rather than Facebook time. It is a very good thing, indeed.

The Dream World

They say dreams are a product of your brain processing your subconsciousness while you're asleep. Sometimes, they bring to mind someone whom you haven't thought of in years. I can't remember a dream that is a replay of reality life. They've always been works of fiction. Several weeks ago, I had a night plagued with dreams. Out of the many, I only remembered 2. 

I was reversing my car into a parking lot when I reversed it into a SUV in the next lot. I got out of the car immediately to inspect the damage to the SUV. Instead of speaking to me, the mother sent her 13 year old daughter to discuss the proceedings. I've not seen them in many years. In 2004, I took care of this girl in the ward. She was an anorexic at that time. She didn't look 13. Due to the malnutrition, she obviously missed all the growth milestone & probably looked like what an 8 year old would look like. What the psychiatrist thought was that the dad had the typical Chinese mentality, loved only the son, paid attention only to the son & that it was her way of seeking attention & love. I had a feeling that was why she stopped eating. She was at the puberty age. Anorexia will stop puberty on its track. She only wore pants, hated skirts or dresses. She refused to grow her hair long like what most girls desire. Instead, she would always get a boy's cut. She would put on weight in the hospital, only to lose it all & had to be readmitted shortly after she was discharged. The mother couldn't force her to eat back home. I don't know what happened subsequently as I was transferred to the Operating Theatre at my request. It's been 12 years. In my dream, she was still in her 13 year old body becoz that was how I remember her to be. Why did my brain drag out someone I've not even thought of in 12 years? Funny how the brain works. I wonder if she's well.

That same night, I had a totally different dream. I was going to meet friends for a meal in a restaurant. For some reason, I decided to go wrapped in a towel. Like just out of the shower wrapped in towel naked. Everyone else were dressed, except for me. I was feeling quite comfortable about it actually. It was only until I saw an ex-boyfriend in the same restaurant that I started to feel really self conscious about being almost naked. This dream I understood. I was comfortable about being barely dressed with my friends but I'm afraid to be "naked" around this ex-boyfriend. I care about what he thinks & I can't open up to him. This was the only boyfriend I had that we parted still in love with each other. I guess a part of me will always wonder how we would have turned out. 

Yesterday early morning, 2.43 am. I had a blueberry muffin with me. I entered this "cafe" which looked exactly like the instrument processing room in my previous work place (we call it Theatre Sterile Supply Unit or TSSU). In the front of the room, an ex-colleague, a healthcare assistant working in the department was mopping the floor. When I passed through the doorway to the back of the room, it looked nothing like the real TSSU. Instead, the back room was a patisserie, selling different kinds of pastries. Another ex-colleague who is an EN had just knocked off having worked there as a server. I asked for Dolly & she helped me get Dolly from behind the counter. I handed Dolly the blueberry muffin, wished her happy birthday & gave her a hug. She was very happy. Upon seeing that, my ex-collegue, the EN, took a chocolate croissant from the counter, gave it to Dolly & wished her happy birthday as well. 

It was her birthday yesterday. So this was also a dream I understood. I woke up from the dream at 2.43 am from feeling too hot & sweating. I whatsapp her immediately, told her my dream & wished her happy birthday. I don't usually text people in the middle of the night but I know her well enough that I wouldn't wake her. Lol. 

Honesty & Integrity

Being right is so subjective. In your mind, you're right. In my mind, I'm right. So who is truly right then?

You treat people with honesty & sincerity only to be taken for a fool. You know such people are aplenty. You know you shouldn't let it affect you.

At the same time, you know it is exactly becoz the world is full of cynics that it is all the more important that you remain true. For you can never change someone else, only yourself & the way you view the world. Becoz you know for a fact that it only takes 1 person to effect a change & that person has to be you.

这世界会如此就是因为太多人怕吃亏。施比受有福。是个傻瓜也要做个好的傻瓜。

If Only I Knew...

I don't know what triggered my childhood memories while at work today. Perhaps it was the not so fast surgeon, allowing me plenty of time to stare into space while scouting. I was bullied from Primary through to Secondary school. In Primary School, the girls were the vicious ones with their name callings & disparaging remarks. In Secondary School, the boys took it even further. They made retching noises when I walked past. I was allocated a seat in the back of the class by the teacher. Once, when the teacher returned our exercise books (to be passed down from the front), each boy took turns spitting inside my exercise book. The awful name callings. The "cool" girls just laughed at my misfortune.

But I was a quiet, awkward teenager. All I wanted was to be included. To be liked. To have friends. Even if they're not sincere.

If only I knew, that in this world, consumed by greed & violence, being popular is the least important thing of all.

If only I knew, that in the end, the only thing that really matters is kindness.

If only I knew, that even if it's not a big deal for you, it could mean the world to the person receiving your words or acts of kindness.

If only I knew. I would have started younger, creating a life of true value. If only I knew.